Stop Making Excuses

Vitamix time!

2012-01-26T12:12:00.000-08:00

I just couldn't stand it anymore and had to cancel my Weight Watchers plan. Sure I just wanted to do it mainly for the accountability and was never big on their idea of nutrition (I get that they're trying to appeal to the average person so they make it easy to follow), but every fiber in my being began to rebel against it. I have lost about 10 pounds so not to trash talk them completely but I just couldn't watch people in lines to weigh in, buying processed carbohydrates because they were "only 2 points" and listen to people in the meeting talk about which microwave popcorn is the best brand (where you can eat the biggest serving for the least amount of points). I just wanted to scream, "Don't you people know this is all just frickin' SUGAR?" And microwaves - that's an entirely different and scary issue (still recoiling at recently adding one to our house and SO want to return it).

My mind spins out of control with thoughts of insulin resistance, metabolic syndrome, estrogen dominance, food sensitivities. . . None of those things are addressed at all with Weight Watchers. They aren't nutritionists and just have no clue.

You know who does? Me. So, I'm doing things my way - in a way that resonates with what I know and who I am. Because I had the money saved up and we're ahead of where I wanted to be in the bill payoff game, I bought a Vitamix today! I've been wanting one since 2003! It's not a magic tool to solve all my dietary concerns, but it sure is exciting!

Maybe I have a snobby case of "I know more than you" when in comes to Weight Watchers, but I just have to trust myself on this one.

Paying things off!

2012-01-22T06:16:00.000-08:00

Since the end of 2011, I've been aggressively planning to get things paid off in 2012. When I started tracking our debt (other than the house and my student loans) in July, 2011, we were at $20,846. My goal is to have all this paid off by the end of the year and to have $7000 in savings. I've been putting every extra bit of money I can come up with towards this plan. So far, so good! And I even still have my foo foo Starbucks drink - just once a month though. It works.

So, I've got a few hundred dollars saved - it's a start. Deric's working a lot of overtime right now so that helps immensely. So far we've paid off: 3 credit cards (awesome) and Deric's student loans (those were pretty small). Another big payoff plan will be coming around the bend when we get our income tax refund. Deric's Mustang will be paid off by June which means we won't have any car payments anymore (well, until my car finally dies). I've had it for almost 13 years! That leaves a few other credit cards with higher balances, things like our appliances, some medical stuff, a bed we financed and my debt from the nutrition program. It's a lot but I think it's totally doable with some discipline (and that overtime)!

Body-wise, feeling like crap though. I've been sick for 9 days now with an ear infection and a throat/sinus/fever thing. My body decided to be naughty after the stress from Friday I put on it - about 2 hours of driving in horrible, slippery winter conditions, then sitting through a 4 hour CPR class. I can see it now, lol. "Sorry dude, I know you're in cardiac arrest but if I do compressions on you, my body's going to really hurt for a few days. You understand right?"

It is what it is, but I'm not giving it any more power than it deserves. This too shall pass (as always).

The weight loss has leveled off a bit, partially from the insane schedule, stress and lack of getting to the gym I'm sure, but I'm still down almost 10 pounds so no complaints. This is the first week I'll have actually stayed inside my "points" range and not overeaten so that's pretty cool. I realized that even though I eat good, healthy food, my portions are too big. That seems like a pretty easy fix so it's all coming along.

Moving along. . .

2012-01-10T18:21:00.000-08:00

It's been a really stressful week with the school transfer and trying to get used to this new schedule. This term, it seems I'm completely scheduled out from the time I wake up until the time I go to bed 5-6 days per week. This is going to be a new challenge - and not in the exciting way - more along the lines of "just get me through this."

I have not been eating very well or getting the exercise in that I would like during this adjustment time. BUT, in spite of all of that, I was down 3 pounds tonight, making a total of 8.4 pounds that I've lost since 12/27! Quite honestly, I don't know how that happened because I've eaten way more than my "point" allowance most days and have only been getting to the gym about twice a week - regardless, I'll take it. At least this feels like a sign that my body wants to be healthy. . . and that it knows how to be healthy if I'll just get out of the way, even a little. I've not had any major flare ups this week either (a pleasant surprise considering the stress).

The financial plan is going really well too. Not much to say about that for now except so far, so good - working towards paying off some debt and getting some savings established.

Well, it's after 8:30pm. I'm exhausted and still have to go to the store and have homework and laundry to get to. (Maybe I'll muster the energy to go hop on the elliptical for a while so I'll have the energy to do those other things). That means this post will be short and sweet. . . just truckin' along and aside from the exhaustion, trying to remember to be grateful for what I have.

I read a great quote today in an article written by a hospice nurse regarding the regrets people have at the end of their lives - "Health brings a freedom very few realize until they no longer have it." We all know this but we forget. We get caught up in what we don't have and forget about all the good things. How can we remember and keep it in the forefront of our consciousness? Be grateful for what's good and healthy in our lives and put our focus there right (instead of focusing on pain or limitations). That has gotten a lot of people a long way. Not a bad plan. Like the saying goes, "I once had no shoes to wear, then I met a man who had no feet. . ."

Step 2 - Finances!

2012-01-01T09:10:00.000-08:00

Where to start with money? It has been a constant reminder of "lack."

Even though I have a nice job working with wonderful people which I'm grateful for, I only work 1-2 days per week. That's not so much of a fibro thing as it is a time constraint thing. I'll have about 8 classes this term so I don't work much to maintain my sanity. . . meaning I don't make much. But as I mentioned previously, my husband has a good job so we get by. As with the low level of "surviving" I do with fibro at times, "getting by" financially is no longer acceptable.

In the last couple of months, I have started to recognize the pattern of being too scattered and depleted - money, energy, everything. If a little bit shows up, I find a way to disperse it - yes, time, energy, money, whatever it is. It all follows the path of least resistance and slips away. No matter how much money we have coming in, just enough goes out each month so we have nothing left and feel broke. No matter how much open time I have on my calendar, I find a way to fill it. The energy of "not quite enough" runs deep into my patterns of thinking and being. It's all I've ever really known. I have had no sense of creating reserves - most notably for money and my own energy.

Time for a plan of action in this area! Because I'm a textbook Virgo when it comes to being organized to the extreme, I know exactly where our money goes - that's not the problem. The problem is that I just track it as it goes away and do nothing to hold some back. So. . . I've been working on a budget that will allow us to pay off all credit cards, revolving debt, etc by the end of 2012. On top of that, my goal is to have $5000 in savings by the end of the year. By the time I graduate in 2013, the only debt we'll tentatively have is our house payment and my student loans. Because my poor, old car has 190K miles on it (and I'm hoping I can finish school without needing a new one), we'll probably need another car about that time too but that's not bad considering our present situation (lots of credit card debt and so many payments that just nickel and time us to death each month).

It's amazing how much this is correlating with the new Weight Watchers plan. In essence with that, I'm budgeting food which even in this first week has created a wonderful sense of structure, discipline and accountability. Again, it's about CHOICES! I'm not the victim to anything. If I choose to eat something with a high points value, I know I have to adjust for it in other ways by eating less the rest of the day or exercising more. Hmm, its seems there is an obvious pattern here - being overweight and being in debt are exactly the same things energetically speaking! When I don't have money for something and use a credit card, I'm pulling from reserves I don't really have so I'm creating a chunk of debt that gets added to bit by bit over the years until you look at your finances (or body in the case of those few pounds that turn into 20) and say "How on earth did this happen?" It happened by eating too much restaurant food and too many potato chips here and there and by financing that refrigerator, dentist visit, mattress, etc. . . little by little so it can sneak up on you.

So this is the plan for now. First, I added "savings" to our list of budget items just like a bill that needs to be accounted for each month. I know that seems like a no-brainer, but when you feel like you don't have enough coming in, you're not very inclined to try to save. Then, I upped the monthly debt payments as much as our income will allow for. That way in theory, the "savings bill" will get larger as the debt bills get smaller. The other two things I recently did were (1) open a savings account that puts a dollar into it each time either of us use our debit card from our checking account and (2) arranged for a daily draft of $3 to be deposited from our checking into our savings account. I call it, "The cost of 1 Starbucks drink" savings. Done. Now if we have "extra" money, it has a designated place to go. It's listed on the budget sheet so it's not looking around frantically, unsure of itself and needing to hide in someone else's pocket!

Time to STOP MAKING EXCUSES about money! Again, bucking the pattern of following the path of least resistance. . . It's not easy to change habits but it's doable if I become conscious of what I'm doing! What's silly, is that with our finances, my plan isn't anything extreme. We are lucky enough to almost always have enough coming in to cover what needs to go out. By cutting out some unnecessary things and actually budgeting (like the verb you know - actually doing it - planning where money will go and following through) we can even have a little extra here and there. I know variables will happen and there will be times when extra things come up like car or house repairs. It's all part of the plan. The biggest things right now are (1) don't create any more debt (aside from financial aid which I have a plan for later) and (2) even if I only have a small amount of money to work with, manage it well, don't discount it and throw it away! (That $3 that goes into savings everyday instead of to Starbucks adds up)!

I know some others are not so lucky to have "enough" and we haven't always been in this boat either. We were so broke for a while when Devon was a baby that on top of not being able to even think about paying bills and not eating much as it was, Deric and I went 3 full days without eating anything at all so we could save what food we had for him - what we got from WIC. When we'd get hungry, we'd just go to sleep to ignore it. At the moment of desperation, we both found jobs. For the entire time, we were waiting for our first paychecks, we would SPLIT one taco from Taco Bell for our lunch because it was the cheapest thing we could find to eat. Man, we were broke. I actually remember the conversation about what to do with the dollar in change we scraped together - toilet paper or bread (bread, duh, you can get TP from a gas station bathroom). On the bright side, weight wasn't an issue then. That situation only lasted for a couple of months, thank goodness, but again, that energy of lack stays with you on some level. . .

Debt and fibro - twins it seems. I can't move past one without addressing the other. There's that holistic mind at work.

Step 2 - Time to pay off these debts and start creating healthy reserves, both financially and those I've created physically in overtaxing and abusing my body's energy stores.

First Steps

2011-12-27T19:46:00.000-08:00

Well, it hurts my ego to say this, but today I joined both the YMCA and Weight Watchers.

Dear self,
It's OK to be human. It's OK to need support. It's OK to be human. It's OK to need support. . .

Weird huh? I already have SO much knowledge and experience in regards to nutrition and health. Weight Watchers is for fat people right - people that are clueless about health and nutrition. Is that me? Perhaps it is on some level. I might have a ton of knowledge in my head, but since I'm not putting it to use for my body, all that knowledge is essentially useless. What I also know is that I need to drop some weight to feel better. I know that when I eat more veggies (and thankfully I love them), cut out the gluten and sugar (I have an inflammatory response to them and it really flares me up), and exercise consistently doing gentle things like biking and swimming, I feel better. My hope is that Weight Watchers (while I don't entirely agree with their nutrition philosophy) will help me stay motivated, grateful for the health I do have (let's face it, me whining about fibro is pale in comparison to some people's problems) and accountable for consistently moving towards health. Biggest reason for joining = having someone else to check in with so I don't severely back-slide every time I have a flare up. I think that's reasonable.

Here I am getting ready to graduate in February from the "Institute for Integrative Nutrition" of all places - soon to be certified as a Holistic Health Coach - ironic. How on earth can I work with other people if I am feeling flared up, inflamed, over-weight and unhealthy myself? Am I following my own advice? No way. That's absolutely NOT a formula for success by any measure. When I take a good, honest look at my own life, what IIN has taught me is that I'm not ready to do this work with others until I can do it for myself - and I NEED to do it for myself. I have all the tools at my fingertips. Now is the time to use them.

So why don't I do what I know is good for me? Why do any of us fall into that trap? At times, it all feels pointless when the cycle of pain --> depression --> more pain is just too big of an obstacle. Because I know my body doesn't have to be my enemy, I've decided to play nice with it. We're going to do this one step at a time. We'll crawl out of this hole together as friends.

Having fibromyalgia is like having a body with bipolar disorder. When it feels good, it feels really good because it's NOT in pain. I can do anything then. It's such a drastic change from the excruciating and draining day to day pain and fatigue you get used to when it's at the other end of the spectrum - which for me is a good 80-90% of the time it seems lately. Hence, I do too much because feeling good is a rare occasion, then I crash and pay for it ten fold.

At some point though, the pain stops being the thing that holds you back. Because it's all I've known for so many years, the fear of "what will I do with my life if I feel good" then steps up to the plate and helps the pain hold you down. I tell my clients that "health" in itself, while a fine initial goal, is the means, not the end. What good is good health if you're not doing anything with it. What will you do with your life and good health? What will I do with good health? Scary.

Hell, I don't even know who the real me is anymore. Is it the resentful, angry person who comes out after day 5 of a constant migraine when it feels like ice picks have been jammed into my shoulders, head and eyes for days or is it the person who likes to dance, have fun, laugh with friends and be joyful. I think I remember her - the free-spirited gal who used to be the first to shed her clothes and jump in the lake. Or maybe it's the reflective me who used to stalk through and sit in the woods for hours on end, just watching nature reveal her magic - something I haven't done in too long. I guess I'd be all of the above. . . inhale, balance, exhale, balance, inhale balance. . .

When I'm struggling to get through basic daily functions, the last thing I'm going to do is exercise, even though my head knows I'll feel better if I do. And yeah, if I can't even do this for myself, why on earth would I want to try to encourage it in someone else? What a hypocrite I'd be. For someone who has spent almost her entire life studying holistic health and healing, I have a huge split between what my mind wants to do and what my body wants to do. Interesting and weird I guess. What else can I say?

Pain allows you be an introvert - in fact, it forces you to be an introvert. You can't plan for events because you never know how you'll feel when that time rolls around. I've lost count of how many parties, gatherings, concerts, trips, etc that I've had to back out of at the last minute because I just couldn't function. At this point, I don't make plans or promises anymore. I do what I can do, when I can do it - words of wisdom for the average person and maybe even so for the fibro crowd, but living at fibro's pace doesn't fit into society's standards by a long shot.

One more thing to mention on that topic. . . While I may have deep, philosophical thoughts on, well, you name it and a ton of education from all these reflective years, what I don't have is a job that pays the bills. I haven't worked full-time since 2003 and I don't even want to play the disability game. So I just stay broke. (Thank goodness my husband has a good job with benefits). I go to school, rack up student loan debt and optimistically tell myself that one day I'll feel better and I'll be successful enough to pay back those loans.

So here I am, trying to break this cycle. My body, mind, energy and finances are depleted. The "energy" in my life is scattered to the wind in a dozen different directions. This sum of circumstances didn't happen via a chain of random events. Feeling better is not going to just happen on its own. It's about choices, has always been about choices and always will be about choices. STOP MAKING EXCUSES (and bad choices)!

Step one: Join Y and Weight Watchers and start having some accountability for consistency in creating better health. (Check).

Where to start

2011-12-26T20:54:00.000-08:00

The hardest step with anything is getting started right?

Why am I doing this? As with so many others who have struggled and survived, I feel compelled to share a bit of my ongoing journey. Simply put, I'm trying to overcome something - what exactly it is, I don't entirely know. For too long I've told myself it was "fibromyalgia" that had a hold of me. "I can't fill in the blank because my fibro will flare up" has been a frequent turd in the punch bowl that is my life. But after 12 years of dealing with this roller coaster of symptoms, I've had a lot of time to look at the deeper meaning of what this "syndrome" has taught me. Maybe if I share a bit, another woman's journey can be made a little more positive and a little less scary.

So for now, I've decided those lessons I've banged my head against the wall to learn are over. Yep, just like that. My mind is made up. It's time for me to move on the to next chapter. I'm tired of this game and tired of being a victim to the vicious cycle my own body and mind traps me in. That's where "stop making excuses" comes into play. I know I can't do it alone. That's a BIG statement coming from an independent-minded Virgo. I would typically rather shove sharp objects in painful places than be vulnerable and admit I'm not perfect, but that's what it has to come down to - being human. Hmm. Imagine that. Wow, that one only took 32 years to figure out.

So you might think this is going to be a blog about fibro. Well yes, but not entirely. I don't honestly know what will end up out there in internet land, but whatever will be, will be I guess so let's get this thing started.