First Steps

Well, it hurts my ego to say this, but today I joined both the YMCA and Weight Watchers.

Dear self,
It's OK to be human.  It's OK to need support.  It's OK to be human.  It's OK to need support. . .

Weird huh?  I already have SO much knowledge and experience in regards to nutrition and health.  Weight Watchers is for fat people right - people that are clueless about health and nutrition.  Is that me?  Perhaps it is on some level.  I might have a ton of knowledge in my head, but since I'm not putting it to use for my body, all that knowledge is essentially useless.  What I also know is that I need to drop some weight to feel better.  I know that when I eat more veggies (and thankfully I love them), cut out the gluten and sugar (I have an inflammatory response to them and it really flares me up), and exercise consistently doing gentle things like biking and swimming, I feel better.  My hope is that Weight Watchers (while I don't entirely agree with their nutrition philosophy) will help me stay motivated, grateful for the health I do have (let's face it, me whining about fibro is pale in comparison to some people's problems) and accountable for consistently moving towards health.  Biggest reason for joining = having someone else to check in with so I don't severely back-slide every time I have a flare up.  I think that's reasonable.

Here I am getting ready to graduate in February from the "Institute for Integrative Nutrition" of all places - soon to be certified as a Holistic Health Coach - ironic.  How on earth can I work with other people if I am feeling flared up, inflamed, over-weight and unhealthy myself?  Am I following my own advice?  No way.  That's absolutely NOT a formula for success by any measure.  When I take a good, honest look at my own life, what IIN has taught me is that I'm not ready to do this work with others until I can do it for myself - and I NEED to do it for myself.  I have all the tools at my fingertips.  Now is the time to use them.

So why don't I do what I know is good for me?  Why do any of us fall into that trap?  At times, it all feels pointless when the cycle of pain --> depression --> more pain is just too big of an obstacle.  Because I know my body doesn't have to be my enemy, I've decided to play nice with it.  We're going to do this one step at a time.  We'll crawl out of this hole together as friends.

Having fibromyalgia is like having a body with bipolar disorder.  When it feels good, it feels really good because it's NOT in pain.  I can do anything then.  It's such a drastic change from the excruciating and draining day to day pain and fatigue you get used to when it's at the other end of the spectrum - which for me is a good 80-90% of the time it seems lately.  Hence, I do too much because feeling good is a rare occasion, then I crash and pay for it ten fold.

At some point though, the pain stops being the thing that holds you back.  Because it's all I've known for so many years, the fear of "what will I do with my life if I feel good" then steps up to the plate and helps the pain hold you down.  I tell my clients that "health" in itself, while a fine initial goal, is the means, not the end.  What good is good health if you're not doing anything with it.  What will you do with your life and good health?  What will I do with good health?  Scary.

Hell, I don't even know who the real me is anymore.  Is it the resentful, angry person who comes out after day 5 of a constant migraine when it feels like ice picks have been jammed into my shoulders, head and eyes for days or is it the person who likes to dance, have fun, laugh with friends and be joyful.  I think I remember her - the free-spirited gal who used to be the first to shed her clothes and jump in the lake.  Or maybe it's the reflective me who used to stalk through and sit in the woods for hours on end, just watching nature reveal her magic - something I haven't done in too long.  I guess I'd be all of the above. . . inhale, balance, exhale, balance, inhale balance. . .

When I'm struggling to get through basic daily functions, the last thing I'm going to do is exercise, even though my head knows I'll feel better if I do.  And yeah, if I can't even do this for myself, why on earth would I want to try to encourage it in someone else?  What a hypocrite I'd be.  For someone who has spent almost her entire life studying holistic health and healing, I have a huge split between what my mind wants to do and what my body wants to do.  Interesting and weird I guess.  What else can I say?

Pain allows you be an introvert - in fact, it forces you to be an introvert.  You can't plan for events because you never know how you'll feel when that time rolls around.  I've lost count of how many parties, gatherings, concerts, trips, etc that I've had to back out of at the last minute because I just couldn't function.  At this point, I don't make plans or promises anymore.  I do what I can do, when I can do it - words of wisdom for the average person and maybe even so for the fibro crowd, but living at fibro's pace doesn't fit into society's standards by a long shot.

One more thing to mention on that topic. . . While I may have deep, philosophical thoughts on, well, you name it and a ton of education from all these reflective years, what I don't have is a job that pays the bills.  I haven't worked full-time since 2003 and I don't even want to play the disability game.  So I just stay broke.  (Thank goodness my husband has a good job with benefits).  I go to school, rack up student loan debt and optimistically tell myself that one day I'll feel better and I'll be successful enough to pay back those loans.

So here I am, trying to break this cycle.  My body, mind, energy and finances are depleted.  The "energy" in my life is scattered to the wind in a dozen different directions.  This sum of circumstances didn't happen via a chain of random events.  Feeling better is not going to just happen on its own.  It's about choices, has always been about choices and always will be about choices.  STOP MAKING EXCUSES (and bad choices)!

Step one:  Join Y and Weight Watchers and start having some accountability for consistency in creating better health.  (Check).

Where to start

The hardest step with anything is getting started right?

Why am I doing this?  As with so many others who have struggled and survived, I feel compelled to share a bit of my ongoing journey.  Simply put, I'm trying to overcome something - what exactly it is, I don't entirely know.  For too long I've told myself it was "fibromyalgia" that had a hold of me.  "I can't fill in the blank  because my fibro will flare up" has been a frequent turd in the punch bowl that is my life.  But after 12 years of dealing with this roller coaster of symptoms, I've had a lot of time to look at the deeper meaning of what this "syndrome" has taught me.  Maybe if I share a bit, another woman's journey can be made a little more positive and a little less scary.

So for now, I've decided those lessons I've banged my head against the wall to learn are over.  Yep, just like that.  My mind is made up.  It's time for me to move on the to next chapter.  I'm tired of this game and tired of being a victim to the vicious cycle my own body and mind traps me in.  That's where "stop making excuses" comes into play.  I know I can't do it alone.  That's a BIG statement coming from an independent-minded Virgo.  I would typically rather shove sharp objects in painful places than be vulnerable and admit I'm not perfect, but that's what it has to come down to - being human.  Hmm.  Imagine that.  Wow, that one only took 32 years to figure out.  

So you might think this is going to be a blog about fibro.  Well yes, but not entirely.  I don't honestly know what will end up out there in internet land, but whatever will be, will be I guess so let's get this thing started.